Distractions
Saturday, September 27, 2008 @ 2:50am
Distractions are evil. Not in the usual sense of the word, the flashy sense that conjures up images of war and greed and corruption. In a more deceptive, creeping, unnoticed way. A more sly way; a gentler way. Distractions don't make Hitlers, and distractions won't turn a good man into a monster. But distractions can rob that good man of untold benefits. Even worse, they can rob the world of the benefits that man would have produced.
I come from a town, a county, a state, a way of life that is rife with distractions. I've lost count of the number of friends I've watched sacrifice potentially promising careers or endeavors for the sake of various distractions. How many world changing creations have I seen disappear from the realm of possibility because the owner got caught up in distractions? I'll never know.
Lately I've let myself get caught up in a distraction. I gave in because it was new, it was exciting, it was exhilarating, and it was so much more fun than my MATLAB homework. No more. Giving in to distractions stops now. I have been blessed with an opportunity that is rare beyond words for someone with my background. I'm at the school I've dreamed of attending since I was 12 years old. How dare I for a second cheapen that fact by devoting my time to some petty distraction that is, by definition, temporary? I'm not in Oxford anymore. I don't go to Ole Miss. My old ways won't cut it anymore. I look around at my classmates and feel shivers run down my spine at the sheer mental capacity of every one of them. I'm out-classed everywhere I turn in terms of raw mental processing power. And how do I confront that chilling fact? By starting my homework the night before like I did at Ole Miss? By reading papers the day of like I did at Ole Miss? By being content with the amount of material covered in lecture regardless of its relation to the amount covered on the exams OR the amount necessary for my career?
No more. I will change. I have to change. If I fail here, I will crush my family. I will shock my friends. I will give my detractors all the ammunition they could ever use. I will hate myself. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. I will succeed. I will change the world. I will be great.
Overwhelmed
Monday, September 22, 2008 @ 11:40pm
But not in the academic sense. In a strange, hyper-emotional, feelings-on-my-sleeve kind of way. It's difficult to describe. I've had this twinge in my chest and these butterflies in my stomach and this "jumpiness" in my brain all day. Like all I want to do is lie in bed watching old movies or talking to old friends. It's not sadness per se, but it's not happiness either. It reminds me a little of classical descriptions of depression (lethargy, lack of motivation, inability to focus), but I'm somehow not keen on the connotations of that word, and I certainly wouldn't classify myself as depressed based on any observable aspect of my life. Maybe I'm disgruntled because I had a symposium that kept me from sleeping-in/relaxing on my day off (today was a school holiday). Maybe I'm just tired because I woke up at 6am. Maybe I'm homesick because I've been ticket shopping (so I can fly home at Christmas) and thinking more about my mom (in a positive light, see below) lately. Maybe it's all three. Whatever it is, I just want it to go away. My life up here is too perfect, too full of opportunities and experiences and challenges and rewards for me to be lethargic or unmotivated.
My mom finished her radiation/chemotherapy treatment course last week, and had an MRI of her brain to check the results of the head radiation. The news came back all smiles, with the doctors finding no traces of tumors in her brain, and an excellent prognosis / long life span predicted. Now she has about 3 weeks off to recover from the treatment, and then she'll start another round of higher dose combination chemotherapy with cisplatin, Taxotere, and Avastin. The next big hurdle will be her chest CT to check the results of the radiation/chemotherapy. One day at a time...
Classes are going great. I ended up dropping 20.452 (Principles of Neuroengineering) because it became clear that I didn't have the background necessary to tackle the issues in any meaningful way. I'm probably going to take it again after learning about the brain on my own by picking up an intro neuroscience text and checking out OpenCourseWare. My remaining three classes are quite manageable so far, and two of them (Frontiers in Chemical Biology, Analysis of Biological Networks) are actually fascinating and a lot of fun. I realize now that I'm a complete nerd when I actually look forward to my Monday morning class.
I've also had another development in the progress toward choosing a research advisor. I watched Mike Yaffe give a presentation on his research, and I was instantly fascinated by the blend of cell biology, organic chemistry, and innovation. I met with him to talk one-on-one and we hit it off great, our personalities meshing and his views on how to run a laboratory lining up perfectly with mine. I joined the lab group email list and am going to start attending some of their events to see how well I get along with the other members of the lab. Between this and Ed Boyden's research, I'm pretty sure I have my top two picks now (though I'll have to hash out the order closer to the deadline).
To keep myself grounded/sane and introduce some non-science into my life, I've checked out two extracurriculars. MIT has a parliamentary debate team that's incredibly active, attending tournaments nearly every weekend. I attended the interest meeting and the training session to get to know the people and learn the format, and I'm definitely excited about it. Parliamentary debate is unique in that the topic is chosen by the government (affirmative) side at the beginning of each round, and all speeches are made extemporaneously with an emphasis on logic and a frowning upon of hard evidence. It's a somewhat cooky blend of LD, extemp, and congress that seems perfectly tailored to my skills. The only catch is that most of the tournaments start early Friday afternoons, and I have a discussion class that meets Fridays 4pm-5:30pm. But the team is completely open, and they said it would be fine if I didn't do any debating until spring semester.
Less predictably, I've been given a page to myself in the MIT newspaper The Tech to write a mens fashion column. It'll be published every other Tuesday, starting September 30. I'll link to the online articles from here and mirror them in my portfolio. A little out from left field, I'll admit, but so far I've enjoyed writing the articles, and I think it'll be a fun semi-mindless distraction on the weekends.
Poetry
Saturday, September 13, 2008 @ 3:28am
William Wordsworth called poetry "the spontaneous overflow of emotion later recollected in silence." I've always enjoyed that definition because it captures the essence or the spirit of poetry rather than the mechanics (which seems counterintuitive coming from me, given my love of chemical and biological mechanisms). Of course, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I think the real reason I like the definition is that it gives me liberty to call posts like this poetry, and allows me to think of myself (even fleetingly) as a poet despite my complete and utter lack of talent at verse.
So what has me feeling poetic tonight? What event was so striking that it caused me to walk into my room at ~3 in the morning, sit down at my computer, and begin typing without even bothering to remove my shoes or my cufflinks (which I'm now regretting because they're bumping against the keyboard and significantly increasing my error frequency)? What sight did I witness that I feel gives me liberty to use this increasingly pretentious string of rhetorical questions and frequent line breaks?
The Boston skyline, stretched across a pitch-black and hazy-swirled starless sky, perched atop the eerily undulating Charles river.
I caught sight of it entirely by chance, glancing to my right as my friends and I were walking back to MIT from Boston. That casual glance turned into a second look, and that second look turned into a prolonged stare. Clarity seemed to wash over me. A complex and layered wave of emotion that I'm still struggling to disect. A sense of home, a sense of belonging. A sense of wonder at the fact that my greatest dream to date is playing itself out as I type. A sudden scope of size, of being dwarfed by the depth of the river (not even that deep) and the height of the skyline (not even that tall) and the breadth of the bridge (not even that long); a notion of my infinitesimalness (not a real word but it achieves the desired effect) in the scheme of the universe coupled with a confidence of origin unknown that I can and will do great things. A warmth and calm that by all descriptions could be called the Peace of God.
I love life. I love Boston. I love my life in Boston.
I love.
End of Orientation, First Week of Classes
Monday, September 8, 2008 @ 9:41pm
I'm happier than I've ever been before.
The orientation activities that the Graduate Student Council put on for us over the past couple of weeks were an absolute blast. I've put some photos showcasing the best parts up on Google, and have tons more available if anyone is interested. Notable among those is a series of photographs from the even that finally cemented in my mind the realization that I go to MIT: finding the secret mural room and the Hacker's Code. I like to think of myself as a skilled writer, but I truly can't fathom the words to express how I felt when I squeezed into that dank, cold, concrete room.
Everything about my time up here so far has been incredible. The people I've met have been amazing, and the activities have been so varied and numerous that I couldn't even begin to think about being bored. I've already gotten close to a number of people, and have no doubt that I will leave here (begrudgingly) with many new life-long friends. I could continue to rant and rave for paragraphs, but in this case I think simplicity is the key. I was tempted to leave it at just the first line, but I knew people would want some details.
In another huge development, I finished my first official week of classes here at MIT, and I'm still alive. I'm currently signed up for four classes, which I think will be manageable since I'm not working in a laboratory yet (that won't start until after Christmas). For the curious out there, my classes are 20.420 Biomolecular Kinetics and Cellular Dynamics, 20.948 Frontiers in Chemical Biology, 20.440 Analysis of Biological Networks, and 20.452 Principles of Neuroengineering.
So, what's the verdict?
Honestly, not that bad.
Don't get me wrong or misread that. The classes are without a doubt difficult. Each of them is like a firehose aimed at my mouth from point blank range (to paraphrase a quotation by a famous undergrad). I have no doubt that each of them will, in its own way, be the hardest class I've ever taken. But there's nothing fundamentally or earth-shatteringly difficult or new about any of them. They're just classes. There's nothing I've encountered that I've felt unprepared for coming out of Ole Miss, and there's nothing I've encountered that I genuinely fear I can't do. It looks like 420 will be calculation and problem intensive, 440 and 948 will be reading and writing intensive, and 452 will be reading and higher order thinking (in this case, invention of a new device) intensive.
Am I scared? Absolutely.
Am I excited? Beyond description.
Do I feel average? In no way.
I'm happier than I've ever been before.